Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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