Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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