Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
