He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
