i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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