My balls are so social today.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
