she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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