I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
