He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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