my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
