Tell her she can't have a vagina
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
