Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
