when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
