I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
