There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I lost the right to judge tonight
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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