I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
