i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
