he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
