i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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