my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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