Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
