Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
