do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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