My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
