saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he thought i was a dude.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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