he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
