my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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