My Higher Power is John Stamos
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
