Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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