If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
