I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
