Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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