Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
