covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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