I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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