remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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