I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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