She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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