dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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