i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
