I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
