Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
