i think i have herpe
just one?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
