i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
