i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
