omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
