i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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