Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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