hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I want to make a zoo with you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
