I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
