I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
